Before Eli and I had Charlotte you could expect to find us at our favorite Mexican restaurant way more nights per week than we care to admit. But, we were kid-free, enjoyed conversation over margaritas, and our fave Mex-taurant doubled as a sports bar.
We found out we were expecting our lil’ mama in May 2017. Eli deployed to Syria 4 weeks later. We both obviously spent those many months sober and alone (que the depressive violin music). By the time Eli returned from overseas I had already had Charlotte several weeks prior.
We spent the next many months just holding on to our new baby and each other. The thought of leaving either of them when I didn’t have to was a hard “no” for me. I had a very real case of separation anxiety. The thought of leaving our newborn with a sitter was unsettling for both Eli and I, but we also didn’t have much of a desire to do so anyway.
Really, my husband and I had no alone time. Not even at night.
You know that saying “First, they steal your heart. Then they steal your bed.” That little lemon did just that. She turned one in February. My rule was to kick that kid out of our bed by her first birthday. We were close. We transitioned her to her crib in her nursery upstairs two weeks after her birthday.
It was harder on me than her. She was so ready you guys. She slept the whole night through on the first night and has continued to do so every night for over a month now. Apparently, I’m a Stage 7 clinger because I still sit up at night just watching her sleep via the video monitor.
Why does any of this matter? Because of above, our last “date night” was in 2017 you guys.
Two years ago.
My mom did watch Charli when she was several months old for a couple hours once or twice. However, because Eli and I truly weren’t ready to leave our lil’ mama we spent our entire time out of the house fretting about what she was doing, if she missed us, if her Gigi was doing okay with her, if there was enough breast milk to keep her happy until I got back, etc.
New mama’s out there, if you’re not ready don’t try to make yourself feel like you are. Take your time. Leaving that little slice of heaven is the hardest thing!
A lot has changed in the last two years, even more so in the last several months:
- We moved from Illinois to South Carolina.
- My 9 year old bonus son, Freddy, moved in with us two months ago {biggest blessing ever}.
- Charli is now walking, talking and throwing sass at me like she’s a pre-teen.
- I work full-time from home and don’t get out of the house unless it’s to take my son to school or take a
runwalk around the neighborhood.
You guys, our life feels pretty darn perfect. Truly. But, my husband and I were seriously lacking on a few things.
Giving each other our undivided attention.
Alone time.
One-on-one communication.
We have a nanny that comes and hangs out with Charli during the day so that I can work. (Que the uproar of mommy haters everywhere.)
Side note: I tried being the stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom, entrepreneurial mom x2, homemaker mom, and fitness-queen mom all at once when we first moved out to SC, guys. I FAILED.
I had to strongly and repeatedly remind myself that I cannot be all the things – and that’s okay!
So, I got some help.
*End of Ted Talk*
We used said nanny as a date-night sitter for the first time about 2 weeks ago. My husband and I went to our new favorite Mexican restaurant, then went to the sketchiest dive bar and played pool.
We were only gone a few hours, but for the first time in literally years we weren’t spending our meal asking about homework due tomorrow or making sure our 1 year old doesn’t choke on one of 4 varieties of Gerber snacks she requires I keep on hand at all times.
Instead, we talked about ourselves, our marriage, the next vacation we should book, things we wanted to do in Charleston (since we’re newbies to the area).
It felt like we were dating again.
But that’s just it. You should never stop dating your spouse.
It is unbelievable how much closer and connected you can feel when you give each other your undivided attention and time.
We have read all the marriage books, y’all. (Currently Reading: 31 Ways to Love & Encourage Him | Her) We strive to function as the best couple we possibly can all the time. Not for the view from other people, but because we are raising little humans. We want them to see what a healthy, loving marriage looks like and raise them in a healthy, loving home.
We’re just trying to raise good people, but we cannot do that without being good ourselves.
Moral of the story – you cannot expect to feel like you’re in a perfect marriage without allowing one-on-one time with your spouse. Go on date night. Enforce the 8:30 PM bedtime for the kids consistently to give that last hour of the day to each other. It’s okay to do things without the 18 and under club at your feet.
I’m not saying that a once a week date night is right for you. It’s not for us. Our schedules are too busy and date nights can be expensive (especially when you factor in an hourly sitter).
But I challenge you to make it a consistent rule for you and your spouse to have at least one date night per month. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It could simply be going out to dinner kid-less. But absolutely make the time for your spouse.
Don’t make excuses. Whether you’ve bickered all week or you’re just not feeling yourself that day, go on that date. Those are the times when you need to spend that time together reconnecting more than anything.
Put your makeup on. Swap the messy bun for curls and the leggings for sassy pants. Go serve your spouse.
